Live. Love. Run. It's what I do.

You win some, you lose some

on December 6, 2016

Hello blogger world,

It is after 2am. I am laying awake in bed after the 3 cups of varied coffee drinks that I consumed today in a useless attempt to do better on my Foundations of Pharmaceutical Sciences exam this afternoon. They didn’t work, by the way. I do not think that my test performance was improved in the slightest. But let me just give you a quick overview of the three cups that I drank today, they do say a lot about my life.

Cup 1: Dark chocolate mocha, skim milk, whipped cream. Approximately 9am. This is my go-to every Monday morning at about this time, when I stop by the cafe after my first class of the day. Mocha Mondays are pretty great, and oh-so-necessary to get my day going. I drank it at the health sciences library where all of the med, nursing, pharmacy, dentistry, and other similar students tend to go to study. My studying was unfortunately not nearly as productive as I felt that it was. But then again, I did a pretty good job at getting distracted and starting conversions with my fellow classmates to distract them too. Only difference was that they probably got some actual studying done in the past week and weekend, unlike myself who spent a the majority of my weekend sleeping, running, and drinking alcohol – Friday night with some friends from high school, and Saturday night with the running club.

My weekend: My nights were fun. I got a super quality run in on Saturday. I ran out to the local high school track (1.5 miles there), then did 4x800m @ 3:15 on average, with 2 minutes rest; then 6x400m @ 1:31 each, with 1:30 rest; then 8x200m @ 41 seconds each (last one at 38 seconds! gotta finish strong!) with 1 min rest between each, and 1.5 miles back home to cool down. And I ran such even splits, I’m so proud of myself! I wasn’t more than a second faster or slower than those times! And then Sunday it snowed for the first time this year, but I still headed out for an easy 6 miles. There’s part of me that feels like a piece of shit for how unproductive I was this weekend in terms of studying and other such things that real people do. But the other part knows how incredibly anxious and subsequently dysfunctional I was last week and knows that I needed a break. I can feel the anxiety rebuilding just thinking about this past weekend.

Cup 2: Straight black cup of Joe. Approximately 12:13pm. I recently was initiated into Kappa Psi Pharmaceutical Fraternity. My pledge mom was manning the table for Kappa Psi’s fundraiser brunch, and offered me a free cup as they were bringing it to a close. Straight black is how I typically drink my coffee. They said I was only the second person all morning to refuse sugar or creamer. I guess my fellow P1’s, P2’s, and P3’s were all needing a little bit of a cushion from this rough Monday morning.

Cup 3: Tall carmel brulee frappuccino at Starbucks. Approximately 7:17pm. It was half-price frap day, I knew at this point that I shouldn’t or I’d be up right now, but how could I pass it up? It’s pretty much tradition for my friend Kelly and I to partake whenever it happens (like twice a year), we’ve been going since we met freshman year. I went to a Zumba class at the CRWC with some running club friends, and then met up with Kelly after at Starbs. Classic white girl. It felt good to be social. Often social is what keeps me sane. Both by going to Zumba and getting to catch up with a friend that I hadn’t seen in probably two months, although both of us have been so busy that we hardly noticed that it’s been so long since we’ve hung out.

Consequences include: lack of sleep tonight. Loss. The courage to email my pharmacist/boss who I had yet to tell about this terrible anxiety that I’ve been going through, and its subsequent hindrance that it’s put on my performance at work. I didn’t tell him this, but I sometimes wonder if my CVS is a trigger for my anxiety in and of itself, just because of how many things have happened there or remind me of the trauma or perpetrator in some way. Anyways, his so unbelievably encouraging and understanding response literally brought me to tears. I was bawling. Win. Also the fact that I’m currently blogging. Win. I’m hoping that I can shake this feeling that I keep getting where I can feel myself trying to fight with the anxiety. My therapist said I shouldn’t fight it and instead embrace it, but it’s incredibly difficult. She says I need to show myself more love. We’ve been learning about empathy in one of my classes, and it’s made me realize that I like to show myself very little empathy. I like judging myself. I’m good at it. I know it doesn’t help my anxiety but it sometimes makes me a better person. But I know I need to show myself some kindness sometimes, and make a conscious effort to care for myself. So I’ve been trying to tune into what it is that I feel and desire. Besides my anxious desire to physically up and relocate to another city, or another state, I also find myself desiring any kind of artistic expression. Writing is one of my attempts at finding that creative expression. I have been craving music lately as well, and I’m thinking I need to hurry up and get on the Spotify Premium bandwagon. Too bad I’m broke! I’m thinking of exploring the new music building for some practice pianos to maybe let a little more of that out.

Anyways, tonight’s thoughts were a bit of a ramble. Loss. But also incredibly therapeutic. Win. I suppose that’s just what you get when you try to write at this hour. Goodnight, blogger world.


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