Live. Love. Run. It's what I do.

My mind is rambly, so I thought I’d use numbered bullet points to help with the confusion.

on December 17, 2016

I got my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday. My face is swollen up like a chipmunk, I’m mood swinging from high on hydrocodone to low in the lows. Right now I’m sitting in the pits, feeling bloated and gross and generally incredibly down for reasons I can’t put a finger on. My mind is feeling rambley and irritable. Lots of things have happened in my life lately: here’s just a quick rundown…

  1. I finished my first semester and first round of finals for pharmacy school this past Wednesday! 12.5% done, already! Not all of our grades are in yet, but I think I’m sitting somewhere around a 3.6 GPA from this semester. It is NOT the 4.0 I’d been hoping and shooting for from the beginning, but all things considered I suppose it’s not too shabby.
  2. My school has a policy where anytime someone is convicted of any crime, they investigate it. So, since my ex had violated the civil protective order I have against him, they naturally reached out to me to do a university-run investigation as well.
  3. They reached out to me about two weeks ago, and with finals in the headlights, I asked them to wait until after I was done. So this past Thursday morning was the day we decided on, and I did a whole heck of a lot better keeping it out of mind until Wednesday night, so I don’t think it really interfered with my testing much at all!
  4. I’d successfully gone about a whole week (last Wednesday to this past Wednesday) without a bad panic attack! SCORE!!! Sure I felt some anxiety last weekend, but no super-bad-totally-dysfunctional anxiety.
  5. But then of course, the panic hit at an incredibly inconvenient time, mid-makeout with a friend-with-potential of mine. So here we are in my bed kissing, and all of a sudden my mind starts racing. I first started thinking about how my nose tends to get congested around 2am lately. Then I thought about how it was around 2am when my ex came over the night that I was assaulted. Then I started thinking about how close it was to 2am (it really was like midnight). Then I started thinking about how it had happened in that same bed. And how disrespected I felt. And the hurt. And the self-doubt that I was making bad decisions again. And by this time I really wasn’t much in the mood for kissing, my heart was racing out of . So I rolled over, and my friend asks how I’m doing, and I just ask if I can tell him really serious things about my life. And he’s like yeah, sure, of course. And so I tell him that really bad things happened to me and that I have really bad anxiety and that I had a protective order against the perpetrator and that he violated the order and that I had to meet with the school people about it in the morning and that I was having a panic attack. And he was like wow I’m so sorry, what do you need, how can I help? And so I just got out of bed and I was sweating so badly and I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to throw up and my heart was racing and my mind was going a million directions and so I went and pulled out my contacts and changed into shorts and a t-shirt so maybe I would stop sweating so badly. And then I was like I just need to go to bed, and he asked if he should leave and I said no, so I curled up beside him but really I was just silently crying, with tears streaming down my face, and he was gentle and rubbed my arm and I got up and went to the bathroom and came back to bed with him and just laid there. For a long time. And then eventually he was like, do you think you’re gonna be able to get to sleep anytime soon? And I was like no. So then we started talking. And he was like, have you ever been to counseling? and I was like yeah. And he was like do you go to UCS (University Counseling Services)? And I was like yeah. And he was like, if you don’t mind me asking, who do you see there? And I told him who it was. And he was like, no way me too. And so it turns out that we’d both been seeing the same person all semester. And we had so much to talk about, about the different things that we’d learned from her, about what a great person she was in general, we just cuddled and talked and it turned into being so hot and so deep and so intimate, opening up to each other about our mental health struggles while lying there cuddling so close. It was exactly what I needed. On so many levels. Thank you Jesus. I am so thankful to have found exactly what I needed when I was in such a bad place. Like what are the chances that of all the people, that we’d had a connection like that. I felt validated, and free to open up, even though I suck so much at sharing my feelings. And of course it feels good to feel like maybe you’re helping someone else too, as he opened up to me about his struggles. It was amazing.
  6. So we sat up until like 4:30am talking and cuddling and kissing and whatnot, and then finally we decided we should call it a night because he had a final on thursday at noon. I felt kinda bad for keeping him up so late but oh-so-thankful for his company and the reassurance it brought me.
  7. And we slept in the next day until like 9:30 when I finally got my ass out of bed, and he waited for me so he could walk with me to my appointment with the idk-her-title academic affairs investigator lady.
  8. I met with the lady, along with an advocate from the local rape victim advocacy place for moral support. And she explained the university’s code of conduct violation policy, and then asked for a statement from me. And I told her everything from the beginning and the traumatic event that happened to me, and how emotionally scarring it was, and how I dealt with the aftermath, and how I got a protective order, and how he violated it once and was charged, and how he violated it again and they didn’t have enough evidence to do anything about it.
  9. And she says that what he did to me could get him suspended or expelled from the university.
  10. And that makes me a bit relieved and a bit nervous because I want him gone and I want him out of my city and I want to know that I’m not going to just run into him out of the blue on the street in passing or at the library when I’m trying to study or at the bars when I want to hang out and destress with my friends. I want him as far away from me as possible. But at the same time, if it gets to that level, he gets to dispute it, which means I have to intentionally be in the same place as him so we can have a hearing and from all the times I’ve had to go to court, those suck ass. So much. Emotionally, mentally, absolutely draining.
  11. And then I went to work after that on Thursday and had no mental breakdowns.
  12. And then I went to dinner with a friend that I love but I can’t tell her everything, idk why, but I feel like she doesn’t get the anxiety that I go through.
  13. And then we had a P1 class party and it was fun but I wasn’t feeling uber-social so instead of being in the dirty crowded basement, I just stayed upstairs dangerously close to a stash of jello shots and talked to two good friends of mine and whoever else happened to pass by us. And then the people would often suggest more jello shots. Which led to some time spent puking in the bathroom of the bar we went to post-party. And then we stayed out almost to bar-close and ended the night finally at Pancheros.
  14. And then my friend who I’d previously lost my 3rd virginity to asked if I wanted to go home with him. Or vice versa. And I made up excuses about going home early in the morning to get my wisdom teeth out and I ended up not going home with him or vice versa and I am very proud of myself.
  15. And then I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday and afterwards, when my mom asked for directions on how to take my meds, I decided it would be a great time to butt in and go on and on and on and tell him how to take them all. And I gave the nurse who brought me out in a wheelchair a huge hug after she helped me to the car. And then I went on and on the whole way home about how I wanted mashed potatoes from a bag. And then I texted my friend about how ice cream was one of my “3 main food groups – along with water, rice, pasta, and chocolate.” and then I slept.
  16. Today I went to the gym and did 5 miles on a stationary bike at a pretty relaxed pace and also confirmed my fears of having gained weight – I’m at 122.8lbs as of this morning. It makes me feel like such a fat piece of shit. I’ve felt like a fat ass piece of shit all day.
  17. I haven’t run since Monday (when I did 2 measly miles) and I’ve been eating like shit and in general, I just feel like shit all around. shit. shit. shit.. more shit. fat. shit. Finals week plus nasty cold weather have gotten the best of me lately. Shit.
  18. I finished my christmas shopping today.
  19. I am going from hydrocodone-high and dancing to fat-ass-shit shittiness and I’m just not feeling it today.
  20. I think I need to go to bed.
  21. Thanks for putting up with these bullet points, I don’t really know why I did them or whether or not they helped put anything in order or if they were of any benefit at all to anyone. But they seemed appropriate when I started using them so here we are. My parents have been fighting as of late tonight, my family’s amount of chaos and yelling at each other and making unnecessary annoying noises for just the sake of noisiness is really starting to get to me and I’ve only been home for just over 24 hours at this point, and I really don’t know how I’m ever going to make it all the way til Jan.3 with them before I get to leave for my fav city of Indianapolis.
  22. Speaking of Indianapolis, my doctor friend hasn’t talked to me in days and it makes me feel sad and unworthy and wondering if he’s just busy or doesn’t want to be friends any more or is regretting how friendly he was being during the week of Thanksgiving, which is the last time we really talked.
  23. It’s stressing me out. Everything is stressing me out.
  24. Goodnight, blogger world. It’s been real.

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