Live. Love. Run. It's what I do.

800 miles under the sea

on February 8, 2018

I am going to be a little melodramatic. I feel 800 miles under the sea. I feel like my life is something like “Journey to the center of the earth” but really it’s just me trying to drown me in stress and life and stress and more stress. And it sucks. It sucks because my brain knows a lot of things. My brain knows that I”m in an amazing place in life. I’m in the place that I’ve dreamed of being in for so long in my life. I’m in pharmacy school. I’m learning how to take care of patients. I have amazing friends who are supportive and give me the most important thing – their time. I’m blessed beyond belief. I have a million opportunities at my fingertips. And then there’s the other part of my brain. The part that gets too easily overwhelmed. The part that sees that it’s in a busy time of life and freaks tf out and makes me feel dyspneic and tachypnic and my mind races and it goes places I wish it wouldn’t go and yes I have “reasons” for being stressed but my logical brain thinks I should be able to handle it. And my illogical brain can’t handle it. And it frustrates both logical and illogical me. Because I want to be on top of the world. I know I kind of am already on top of the world. But I can’t see it. I can’t stay present and in the moment. And it ruins me and makes me who I don’t want to be and I become irresponsible and unresponsive and uncaring and lacking in the character and integrity and trustworthiness and industriousness that I wish I had. And I don’t know what to do. And I don’t have time to find someone to help me. And I feel stupid for not being able to appropriately handle my life. If I can’t handle this, how am I supposed to handle anything else ever? And I want to find my satisfaction in life in Jesus. But I’m wanting more. And then I feel guilty of wanting more. And I feel like I’ve let Him down in my life. I want presence. And I need His presence. And I need Him to pull me out of this ocean that I’m floundering in by myself.


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